"I can't come into work today, I have explosive diahreah. No... seriously, I went to use the bathroom and took out an entire city block."


"I can't come into work, because I need to sleep in and watch tv."
 

"My Docotor told me I need to take the day off and participate in golf therapy."
 

"Sorry I wasn't able to make it into work. I was abducted by the police."


"I can't make it into work. I have to go get treated for a Viagra overdose."

 
"I'm sorry, I can't come in to work today. I've contracted a nasty case of the fuck-its."

 
"I've decided that I can't make it to work until our company brings in a Proctologist to deal with all the assholes."

 
"I am calling in today to celebrate my my unbirthday."

 
"Would you excuse my absence if I can prove that I was dead yesterday?"